FEAR

I came across this song while listening to DAMN by Kendrick Lamar for the first time. On this track Kendrick touches on every fear he has had in his life from his childhood to adulthood. What captivated my attention the most in this song is how he not only expressed the fear he had as a child but also how his mother used fear in his upbringing to keep him in check. While doing that, she projected the fear she had onto him. A lot of the fears that he discussed are the same fears that I deal with (or don’t want to deal with) everyday. 

“Fear, what happens on earth stays on earth, and I can't take these feelings with me, so hopefully they disperse” 

When I gave birth to my daughter I was afraid of so many things that could happen that it became excessive and turned into some form of anxiety.When we were released from the hospital and sent home, that’s where it all started. I was afraid of doing everything wrong and creating a lot of “what if” scenarios in my head of what could happen. “What if something devestating happens to my child and I can’t be the one to fix it?” “How will I protect her from all this evil shit happening in the world?” I thought I was prepared for the changes that were about to happen in my life. I knew that I was responsible for this life that I created but what I was not prepared for was the worry that came with being someone’s mother, and thinking what if I’m not able to protect my child or what if I lose the ability to provide?  I was thinking this way from the time I got up in the morning to when I went to bed at night. I was only operating off of fear everyday and always anxious for the next bad thing to happen. It was so suffocating to not be able to feel like I could have a good day or do something without the thought of something negative hanging right over it. It took for me to see how my way of thinking influenced my parenting to really take the necessary action. I knew I didn’t want my daughter to live in fear and be anxious because that’s what I showed her to be normal. It was time to call a thing a thing and accept that what was happening wasn’t beneficial. 

“I’m talking fear, fear of losing creativity, I’m talking fear, fear of missing out on you and me.”

It’s hard to speak on anxiety because there’s no quick fix or 6 steps you can take to overcome it. I still deal with it and I definitely don’t have all the answers. Everyday I remind myself of the “bigger picture” and what that meant for me. I wanted to be 100% in every aspect of my life but I felt like I wasn't capable of having it all because of my way of thinking. I knew that by not dealing with it was going to be the death of me, and I had to realize my life was worth more than this. Self love isn't just about the affirmations we tell ourselves to feel pretty or to motivate ourselves to get through the day, it's about the action we take to be better and to live a better life.