In need of some ME time.

Hello October, it's all about healing. #ouuuuuu

Healing is so hard, yet so relaxing. After that bad break-up, this is your time to regroup. This is your time to map out everything that went wrong, the lessons you learned and how you plan to apply them for what's ahead. What good is a lesson if you're not going to learn and progress?

Healing is the hardest part for me. I ignore this step in the process so much to the point that now I unconsciously do it. I know exactly what my issue is. I do not like facing my feelings. I am not an emotional person. I do a lot of talking and convincing to myself, that I eventually make myself think that there is no room to feel. I tell myself to get over it, move past it, I will be ok, not even realizing that I am unconsciously making myself not heal. Through my experiences I learned that not healing, only carries the wound. Like the scratch you got when you fell and bust your knee. When you were younger your mom told you "do not pick at the sore", why? Because picking at it will only make it worse, it won't heal and if you keep it up long enough it will leave a mark... a constant reminder that if you had left it alone when you were told to, it would be gone by now.

God does this all the time. He sends us signs when we ask for them. We either ignore them, overthink them or obey them. When we ignore them we get frustrated. Thinking that God isn't listening. Then when things continue to happen we wonder why. When we overthink them, we think every little thing is a sign. He didn't call me back last night... so now we assume he's with another female when really he got off work and went straight to sleep. When we obey them or in other words follow them, we may not see it clearly at first, but the reward at the end is always satisfying, because it is always just what we need.

What do you think I do? I ignore them, sometimes I overthink them. We are all guilty. Simply because there is no rule book to how to get through these things. We live and we learn through trial and error and we live to tell the story to hopefully make someone else's experience a little less harsh. I've heard plenty of advice. Do you think I listened? No. Many things are easier said than done and once doing them, you're then able to make more sense of all the advice you were given.

Remember when I said I don't allow myself to heal? Well, through practicing the skill of feeling (cause yes, apparently feeling is not always an initial reaction for some people myself included), I was able to understand a little more clearly what it is I want and do not want in my life. Sitting back and actually thinking about how I feel and how certain situations made me feel, it allowed me to identify that if it were to ever happen again, how I am able to manage it. Like for example, some lies just do not make sense anymore. She's an old friend, we don't mess around anymore, we're just cool (inserts the "boy bai" face) are all lies I've been told. Back then? Completely gullible. Now? Deuces.

The internet is brainwashing us. It has us thinking we should be years ahead, when really we are just where we need to be. I look on social media and I see cute couples moving in to apartments, taking trips, having babies and sometimes I get sad. I start thinking I need to find a boyfriend, maybe I should relocate, maybe I should just settle. NO. Your time is coming. Just because Beyoncé had twins doesn't mean you need to go and have twins. Just because Ciara ditched Future and got her a Russell, doesn't mean you're going to have the same fairy tale ending. Pace yourself. Give yourself time to go through the motions. Set your own standards, your own goals, your own timeline. Cross it off when you can. Until then, I stress healing. As healing is the part that is going to determine if the woman you are today is willing to sacrifice for the woman you want to be tomorrow.